Don’t be an ass tonight. Happy New Year.
Le Monkey House.
Don’t be an ass tonight. Happy New Year.
Le Monkey House.
By now you have probably put together your list of resolutions for the new year. You probably had the same list of resolutions last year, a lists with many unattained goals. I’m not judging. I’m here to say it’s okay, and to give you a little lift.
Maybe you will mess up, but don’t be too hard on yourself.
Sometimes it takes multiple tries to get it right.
Sometimes you need an objective opinion.
Sometimes you need someone to inspire you by setting the bar high and challenging you.
Sometimes you need kittens…
1. Be more social, get out of that comfort zone and make new friends….
2. Get your fitness on. YES, probably the number one on everyone’s list. YES, you can do it!….
3. Earlier to bed. Get that recommended 8 hours… Or just squeeze in a couple cat naps (yea I did that)…
4. Take care of debts, and pay your bills…
…or maybe just keep the sleeping goal.
(okay, I know it’s not a kitten but COME ON.)
5. Quit smoking… Even though this picture only confirms the fact that it makes you look classy and cool, it’s bad for you.
7. Read more.
8. Drink less.
9. Eat healthier.
10. Learn or try something new.
11. Smile/Laugh more.
Most of all, I hope you just have someone awesome to kiss when that ball drops!
So there you have it. Even if you mess up on your resolutions AGAIN, there are always kittens.
As you get older it slowly starts to become apparent that your family is crazy. The things they do and say seem so normal until you realize they aren’t. For example I just assumed using lines from movies in everyday conversation was something everyone did. It’s not.
My brothers will do their best Christopher Walken impressions while my sister and I will repeat lines from Elf or While You Were Sleeping. I’m fairly confident my family could have whole conversations and speak in nothing but movie quotes. The holidays are the perfect time for this behavior. The whole family is together and Christmas movies are some of the most quotable ones. Lines from films that are engrained in our minds from being watched year after year.
Here are some very quotable lines from some of my traditional Christmas movies…
“I’m gonna give you to the count of 10, to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead!” ———————————————————————————————————————————————
“Keep the change, ya filthy animal.”Harry: Where did he go? ———————————————————————————————————————————————
Marv: Maybe he committed suicide.
Kevin McCallister: I’m over here you big horse’s ass, come and get me before I call the police.
Check-Out Woman: Where’s your mom?
Kevin McCallister: In the car.
Check-Out Woman: Where’s your father?
Kevin McCallister: He’s at work.
Check-Out Woman: What about your brothers and sisters?
Kevin McCallister: I’m an only child.
Check-Out Woman: Where do you live?
Kevin McCallister: I can’t tell you that.
Check-Out Woman: Why not?
Kevin McCallister: Because you’re a stranger.
Kevin McCallister: Buzz! Your girlfriend! Woof!
Uncle Frank McCallister: Get outta here you nosy little pervert, or I’m gonna slap you silly!
Gangster Johnny on TV: You was here, last night too, wasn’t ya?
Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge: Yes… sir, I was
Gangster Johnny on TV: You was here, and you was smoochin’ wit my brother!
Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge: [after a pause] I’m terribly sorry, sir, I’m afraid you’re mistaken.
Gangster Johnny on TV: Don’t gimme that! You’ve been smoochin’ wit everybody! Snuffy. Al. Leo. Little Moe, with the gimpy leg. Cheeks. Boney Bob. Cliff.
Officer Cliff: [gasps] No!
[others stare at him in disguest]
Officer Cliff: It’s a lie!
Gangster Johnny on TV: I could go on forever, baby!
Buddy: We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.
——————————————————————————————————————————————— Buddy: [phone rings, Buddy picks it up] Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?
——————————————————————————————————————————————— Buddy: I just like to smile, smiling’s my favorite
——————————————————————————————————————————————— Buddy: What’s a Christmas Gram? I want one!
——————————————————————————————————————————————— Buddy: You smell like beef and cheese, you don’t smell like Santa.
——————————————————————————————————————————————— Buddy: SANTA! OH MY GOD! SANTA’S COMING! I KNOW HIM! I KNOW HIM!
——————————————————————————————————————————————— Buddy: I’m a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.
Elsie: I don’t drink anymore… I don’t drink any less, either!
——————————————————————————————————————————————— Elsie: I like Mass better in Latin. It’s nicer when you don’t know what they’re saying.
Jack: You suck!
Peter: I suck, or the outfit sucks?
Jack: It’s a toss-up.
——————————————————————————————————————————————— Elsie: Look at the bright side. He has more room in his jockey shorts.
——————————————————————————————————————————————— Lucy: If you fit into my pants I will kill myself.
——————————————————————————————————————————————— Midge Callaghan: These potatoes are so creamy. Mary mashed them.
Ralphie: I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!
Mrs. Parker: No, you’ll shoot your eye out.
——————————————————————————————————————————————— Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] My little brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years.
——————————————————————————————————————————————— Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only one thing in the world could’ve dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.
——————————————————————————————————————————————— Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man.
Mr. Parker: He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.
Mother: He does not!
Mr. Parker: He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium, a master.
Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark: Oh, Eddie… If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.
——————————————————————————————————————————————— Ellen: I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.
Aunt Bethany: What’s that sound? You hear it? It’s a funny squeaky sound.
Uncle Lewis: You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.
Ellen: Clark, I think it’d be best if everyone went home… before things get worse.
Clark: WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We’re at the threshold of hell.
Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?
Clark: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.
——————————————————————————————————————————————— Eddie: Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I’d piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.
There are not enough hours in the day to do all the movies and lines I want so feel free to leave your own favorite movie lines in the comment section!
We love you,
Le Monkey House
Sometimes you can be inspired by children. You see little glimmers of hope and it puts fears of the future at ease. Then sometimes you get these kids…
At least she is aiming high… or maybe she is just actually high.
She knows exactly what she wants?
I fear how Ashley is getting on now that “Hannah Montana” is CRAZY.
I mean it seems fair, she’s not asking for much and she is giving him plenty of warning…
This kid might actually be a genius, I hope Santa is online nowadays.
Of course her name is Tammy.
Who is Santa Caniple?
Oh I just love kids they are like tiny insane adults.
Have a great day…
I like to think I have decent taste. Obviously, most people probably think that about themselves or we wouldn’t have all the tasteless things in the world. I guess what I mean is I don’t watch terrible reality TV or buy frivolous things (I’ve been in a Spencers like once, out of curiosity.) My cell phone doesn’t have a tripped out case and I sometimes get self-conscience about wearing lipstick that is too flashy. I keep things classy and as I said, in good taste.
When it gets to be this time of year, however, I go a little cray cray.
I get it in my head that, yes, I must buy that t-shirt of a tiger dressed in a suit holding a cat, because “what a laugh that will get on Christmas”. Yea, my sister does need that lotion dispenser with the long handle so you can reach the middle of your own back. Obviously, Mom couldn’t live another day without the pillow for your feet that vibrates. I will admit to actually buying each and every single one of those gifts.
Unfortunately, my bad taste and decisions don’t end there. At Christmas time there is more crap on the TV lineup than usual. I mean ABC Family does 25 days of Christmas, which basically means I will be watching absolute garbage for 25 straight days and somehow feel justified. Here are some of the gems that I have indulged in thus far… (and remember we still have 8 days to go)
Yes, the token ice rink scene.
– The Mistle-Tones –
Featuring the always earth shattering acting of Tori Spelling.
– Christmas Cupid-
With a stellar cast featuring Christina Milian and Chad Michael Murray… yes!
– Holiday in Handcuffs –
Again, all I needed to know was who (Melissa Joan Hart & Mario Lopez) was in this and I was already hitting play.
– 12 Dates of Christmas –
Okay. I actually liked this one. Was the story line tired? Yes. Was the acting bad? By almost everyone. But, I will support anything with the adorable Amy Adams and the man that will forever be the hottest guy in school, Zack Morris I mean… Mark-Paul Harry Gosselaar.
like a fine wine… (you are welcome ladies)
Sorry I got a little sidetracked there. I can no longer concentrate. So here is just the titles of a few more Christmas delights to get into this year.
– A Holiday for Love (yikes.)
– Desperately Seeking Santa ( Aren’t we all?)
– Snowglobe ( Wouldn’t you know it, that Christina Milian weaseled her way into another one.)
– Teen Spirit ( Not Smells Like…)
– Santa Baby – 1&2 ( If you can stand watching loud mouth Jenny McCarthy for two movies.)
– Snow – with these two…
– Christmas Caper – (I haven’t actually seen this one, but the title looks promising.)
– Beauty & the Briefcase (with big toothed Hilary Duff)
-Special Delivery (with Andy Dick, so you know it’s good)
We all know Christmas brings people together. What happens when said people get together is another story. For generations people have been getting the Christmas card wrong.
Who’s to blame for these hauntingly entertaining, sometimes disturbing images that make us chuckle whilst burning our eyes? For some, it seems maybe the intentions were good until the reality revealed something entirely, well, bad. Just bad. Although I find it hard to believe some of these weren’t contrived to be the most horrid Christmas cards ever, part of me is scared that maybe they did happen naturally.
Either way here are a few of my favorite picks (from a category with WAY TOO MANY options)…
I can understand the thought process here… “oh, let’s be santa and reindeer!” … no.
It is shocking to me the number of nude Christmas photos there are out there. It is NEVER okay…
I actually like this one, mostly for the dad’s face…
Here is one of the “it’s too bad to be real” ones, but then I look into their eyes and I believe it. They are really selling it. I think maybe it’s the tiny goat wearing a Santa hat that makes this a top fiver for me…
These two are classics. I wish I was a member of either of these families…
Remember tan mom? We found her holiday card…
Now this one genuinely confused me. I think I might blame a photographer for this one. It’s obvious someone has exploited their the creative control. I mean, come on, the girl in the pajamas is sitting in a bucket, which is probably how she bathes considering they have no teeth and wear those very scary glasses. I imagine a very backwoodsy land lays outside those windows…
Told ya… so many…
I. CAN’T. STOP. LOOKING.
Here we go… into the Hall of Fame section….
Are your eyes burning yet? Go, give them something nice to look at…
When I think of Santa, my mind is flooded with happiness. The feeling of security and warmth is tangible. I can almost taste the candy canes and gum drops. I can smell hot chocolate and cookies. I can feel the tickle of of his beard and the whispering of elves. That’s what Santa means to me. Today, I learned this not the case for most children. The truth is…Santa…is TERRIFYING!
Don’t be a whiny baby. The perfect holiday gift is already here. Order a poster from Le Monkey House… HERE !
Christmas is right around the corner and I’m finding it harder and harder to control myself.
As the baby of my family I’ve been treated as such and I think I’ve milked that for longer than most.
If I could I would transport back in time to be a child on Christmas morning I would. Nothing beats the “magic” Christmas morning used to bring.
Alas, the you get older the quicker the Christmas “magic” fades and you begin to see behind the curtain of LIES.
No, Santa did not bring those gifts.
Yes, your dad ate those cookies.
Those twinkle lights aren’t so amazing when you are the one untangling them.
Then again there is usually a lot of booze around Christmas time and being old enough to drink in front of Grandma is magical too! So maybe it’s not so bad.
We here at Monkey House want to make your adult Christmas as hassle free and magical as it can be. What could be easier than ordering a custom poster and having it sent directly to you or your loved ones?
Nothing. That’s what.
I don’t think about Texas. We all know the stereotypes. Big hats, big hair, steak, and on and on…
After doing a little research on the interwebs I discovered I may have seriously underestimated Texas.
The list of famous people from there is pretty legit. I’m going to give into my shallow side this morning and dedicate this blog to Texas for providing us with these celebs…
– Mireille Enos – BRING BACK ‘The Killing’ !!!!
– Patrick Swayze – Taught me what sexy really was… thank you for Dirty Dancing and Ghost.
– Shannon Elizabeth – ehh she kinda sucks but she is super pretty so here ya go guys…
– Hilary Duff – I’m still not sure if her teeth got bigger or her face got skinnier, one of life’s great mysteries.
– Jennifer Garner – Very fit. Makes a lot of crap movies that I always watch. You’re better than that Jen!
– Alexis Bledel – You will never stop being Rory Gilmore, sorry.
– Anna Nicole Smith– see now that’s what I picture when we talk about Texas.
– Wes Anderson – If this guy didn’t have the creative outlet he would probably have severed heads in his freezer. I’m thankful for weirdos that don’t hurt other people.
– Beyoncé Knowles – I don’t understand the allure but, hey, knock yourself out…
…but I digress, here’s to Texas y’all….
I love quotes.
Maybe it’s because they inspire or because they provoke such strong emotions. Most likely it’s because nobody is right ALL the time. Quotes can summarize all the good a person has to offer without showing when things start to get dumb. They are a “best of” for people’s thoughts and words. Obviously, there are more than enough stupid people in this world to provide us with a equally steady stream of ridiculous quotes.
In my opinion, it is nice to be able to read a quote or two from someone and make up my mind about them. Who has time to really get to know someone anyway?! No sir. Just give me the highlights of what they said and I will take it from there.
Our newest quote poster will really get you thinking. Mark Twain has a way of getting to the core of the issue. We hope this poster is an inspiration for you today…