You will have to forgive me people of WordPress, internet, and probably the world in general. I am not a valuable contribution to society today.
I am currently wearing a pair of my brother’s old jeans (yes, my brother’s), a weird tie dyed t-shirt, frumpy Nike’s, and a giant knit sweater which I have smushed to fit under my green jacket. I look like I should be in Freaks and Geeks. The worst part is I have been out subjecting innocent people to this get-up.
I blame all of this on the fact that I am exhausted. You see, I recently moved and what clothes I have actually unpacked have far exceeded the number of times it is acceptable to wear without washing. This, however, does not apply to my underwear, I’m not an animal!
I know, it’s still gross.
Still, I think I deserve a little slack since I have moved into a building that should probably not be legally allowed to house humans. This giant brick structure was probably once very beautiful and from the outside it still seems promising. The problems only seem to begin a day after move in. You know, just long enough to get you to sign that lease. Kinda like FUNNY FARM or THE MONEY PIT.
I don’t want to complain too much since the building is over 100 years old and holds a lot of character, which I asked for! I guess I’m just hoping to get all this frustration and disgust out in the form of a blog instead of the fetal position whilst crying.
So, back to me bringing the level of sophistication down for the entire human race or at least the people at Lowes. I was asked if I needed help when I was seen shuffling down the same aisles with nothing but a mask in hand. A mask that was probably purchased way too late. I have already done who knows how much damage to my internal organs with the amount of clorox I have used. I picked up the mask as a little treat to myself since what I was really in the market for was wood filler and also because I don’t know where they sell full hazmat suits.
Wood filler? You may ask. Yes, because I am about to put my new place on lock down.
You see, I can deal with the fact that the place was dirty, and when I say dirty I mean FILTHY. I’m a very thorough cleaner so that is nothing but an inconvenience. The locals in my new town my say “that ain’t nothing but a chicken wing” which incidentally is exactly one of the things I found under my refrigerator. I’m okay with the fact that the people who lived there before me left food in the refrigerator, which was unrecognizable when I finally discovered it. I’m okay with the fact that my office chair with wheels has to be replaced since the floors all slant and I can no longer sit at a desk without rolling into the other room. I’m okay with the fact that the fire escape looks like it would kill you more gruesomely than an actual fire ever could. I’m even okay with the fact that it still has the original windows and therefore if someone drops a pin outside, I’m going to hear it. I’m even okay with the fact that the basement where the laundry is done, and in an act of sheer brilliance by the owners is also where the trash is stored, is a terrifying rape dungeon.
Now, you can tell me if I’m being too snooty about these but I’m not okay with three things about this place. Number one, the weird funk smell. Despite using almost an entire bottle of clorox and round the clock burning of a candles, I can’t seem to mask it. Number two, the shower that only seems to have water pressure for cold water. The hot water just dribbles out of this thing like I should have the audacity to want a semi warm shower that could have enough power to I don’t know, say, get me clean. How dare I. And last but absolutely not least, the bugs. I was horrified on my first night to find little bugs everywhere. Awesome. Spraying was done and I thought “this will get better”. WRONG. I now have small and medium cockroaches. I was told the spraying brings them out but it will help after a day or two. WRONG. So after a night out on the town I come home ready to snuggle into bed when I see the mothership of bugs. I have been warned that there are water bugs here but nothing prepares you for one doing a spastic six-legged dance over your bed.
I grabbed a shoe and a can of bug spray and double tapped that demon bug.
That leads us back to my shuffling around Lowes today. I am exhausted from a sleepless night of twitching and scratching and feeling like a mental patient. I will scrub until my fingers bleed. I will fill every crack in that place. I will harass my landlord. I will win this war. I WILL PREVAIL!!!!!
And when I do, I will finally get to unpack and decorate. I will probably hang a few of these bad boys…